Searching For Satisfaction

Posts Tagged ‘friends

It’s been a pretty good week, which was much-needed after the miserable state that I was in just a few weeks ago. I’m not 100% but I’m feeling better.

So…Five Good Things That Happened In My Life This Week:

*I talked to my dad – may seem like a small thing, but for me it’s a big deal. My father and I were estranged for several years, but we reconnected & buried the hatchet when I was home last summer. Since then we’ve both made an effort to communicate & rebuild our relationship, and I’m very grateful to have my father’s presence in my life. We had a chat this weekend about some of the things I want to accomplish, and he was very supportive & had some great ideas for me.

* My big project is turning out to be a success – I came very close to quitting my job in February – like just packing up my stuff & throwing them the deuces, and this project was a big reason why. It’s been a trainwreck from the very beginning, and it got extremely bad, but since then it has gone much better. I managed to turn the project around & make it work, and now I’m finally getting good results. After all the stress of this project & the numerous hassles & hurdles, I’m proud of myself for making it through this very difficult project & literally kicking its ass.

* My new site is ready to go – I am so super excited to launch the new site next week. I’ve been working with a logo designer to design a logo for the new site, & I absolutely love it. Overall I love everything about the new site & I’m so excited to be blogging over there. This really is the culmination of the change that happened in my writing – I went from mostly random posts & not giving it much thought, to really being invested in my writing, my site & my brand. I hope that you guys love it as much as I do.

* I interviewed for a new job – the same day that I was interviewing technicians to work for me, I had my own interview for a new job. The job would be a promotion & a move into management, but I’m not sure I want it. I don’t want to make another bad move, like I did with my current job, so I don’t want to leap at the first job that comes my way. The interview went very well & they have invited me back for a final interview with the larger team.

*I kicked it with the homies – It’s been a long, cold winter, and I didn’t get to see my friends as much as I wanted to. Now that it’s warming up, we’re doing more activities. I spent some time kicking it with my friends SS & DN & it was good to catch up with them & hang out. It had been awhile, & I really missed them. I can’t wait to have another spring & summer of the antics with those two, plus some of my other friends.

Honorable mention – I reconnected with an old friend. I made a move, & it was received well. Things have picked up like we never were out of contact, & I’m happy about that. I missed my friend.

It’s been a good week. Hopefully next week will be even better 😉

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How many of you have an old-new friend?

Aight, I guess I should explain. An old-new friend is a friend that you had years ago, and for whatever reason yall lost touch, stopped talking, grew apart, etc. But after some time, you rediscover each other again & the friendship begins anew. It’s not a continuation of the friendship you had before, there is a new dynamic, and it’s almost as if you’re getting to know each other for the first time.

Over the past year I’ve rekindled some old friendships, but I have two old-new friends. In both friendships, we were more acquaintances than friends. After some time & maturity on both parts, these friendships have grown into relationships that I enjoy & appreciate. I was pondering why this hadn’t happened years ago, when I realized that it simply wasn’t time. I know I wasn’t in a place to truly be friends with either of these people, and I’m sure they weren’t either. And with one friend, I had to grow as a person and get out of “the Black people box” for me to really appreciate them for who they are.

Having an old-new friend is pretty cool. You have a certain level of familiarity with them, yet you’re discovering a new person, and so are they. You’re starting over, but with someone you’re already familiar with. Getting to know someone over again, seeing the person they’ve grown into & their new level of maturity…fun. And seeing the changes in another person shows me just how much I’ve changed as well. I’m light-years away from the person I used to be, and I appreciate those who have allowed me to grow into a new person without holding my past against me.

I wonder if any of my defunct friendships can start anew, if just given time & the chance for both parties to grow & mature.

I hope so.

Have you ever experienced the old-new friend phenomenon? If an old acquaintance came back into your life, would you get to know them again?

Yesterday I wrote about my frustration when men confuse my friendliness with flirting. The comments section was really jumping, and the discussion led to the topic of platonic friendships between men and women. One of my readers was adamant that men and women can’t be friends, with one party always wanting to date (or hump) the other.

The “can men and women be friends?” debate has been argued for years, and that debate will carry on for years to come. Two camps always come out of this debate: those who believe it’s absolutely impossible for a man & a woman to have a platonic friendship, and those who not only believe in its possibility, but have made it happen.

The biggest argument defending the inability of men & women to be friends is the attraction factor. Unless one or both parties are homosexual (or asexual for that matter), then its very likely that an attraction will develop. Attraction often leads to lust, wanting, desire, and a whole host of other emotions & feelings that probably don’t come up in your run-of-the-mill same-sex friendship. A lot of times these feelings are one-sided, so that party is faced with a conundrum: hide/bury their feelings; share & risk losing the friendship; or simply bide their time until their friend will be available or at least more receptive to their advances.

It’s generally assumed that men are the ones in male-female friendships who are trying to get with their female friends; that they are simply “waiting in the wings” for their female friend to let her guard down, before he pounces on her. Of course, that does happen, but I think that generic idea of all men in male-female friendships underestimates the intentions of many, many men. Why is it so hard to believe that a man can act in a manner that is respectful, loving, considerate, etc. and not attempt to get something from a woman, beyond friendship? Are we really saying that men are incapable of moving past their sexual attractions? Are we assuming that every man is attracted to every woman that he meets?

Those who defend male-female friendships point to their own friendships as proof that it is possible for men and women to be nothing more than platonic friends. Nothing sums up an argument quite like anecdotal evidence, right? Many of these friendships have survived several years, many ups & downs, distances, etc. But they manage to work, and work very well.

I’ll be honest, Jubi is on Team Male/Female Friendships Can Work. But that’s because I have successful friendships with men. I’m not one of those people who will proclaim that I’m not attracted to my male friends; in fact, if I ever got the opportunity I’d date at least one (yes even after the thing with the Vegas dude). Here’s the thing – I’ve never let my attraction to them get in the way of being a good friend to them, and they have done the same with me. Isn’t that part of friendship – putting the happiness of your friend ahead of your own & being supportive?

Alright folks, so now its your turn to weigh in – what are your thoughts? Can men & women be platonic friends or are folks who try just delusional? Please share your experiences.

In January 2010 I left Orlando behind & moved back to Minneapolis. I got a new job, and was finally escaping Florida, which I really didn’t care for. I’ve loved Minneapolis since the first time I came to visit for college & it had been on the list of cities I could see myself settling down permanently in.

This past year has had more than its fair share of ups & downs, maybe more than previous years in my life.

Let’s start with the ups:

  • I reconnected with old friends & made new ones – When I first moved to Orlando it took me about a year to really start meeting people who I clicked with & it wasn’t until my last year there that I really had a core group of friends. My experience in Mpls has been completely different; I was able to make some new friends pretty easily & reconnect with some college friends as well. That helped my transition a lot, I was active & engaged as opposed to sitting in my apartment bored to death.
  • I started making real changes in my life – I struggle with discipline & being able to sustain change in my life, and that was very apparent when I lived in Orlando. I wanted to work on 2 things – my health/weight & my finances. Being in Mpls I’ve made significant changes in both which I’m very proud of. Now that I no longer have close proximity to outlet malls & also more activities to do besides shopping, my finances look a lot better & I’m making progress towards my financial goals. On the health/weight thing, I’ve finally found a lifestyle that works for me & that I can sustain longterm, and so far I’ve lost over 40 pounds. I feel better, I look better, and my wallet looks better too #win.
  • My dating life got better – Dating in Orlando was a challenge for me, for numerous reasons that I’ve outlined in various posts. Basically, it just wasn’t my type of place & I didn’t meet a lot of men that I go for. That completely changed when I moved back to Mpls – I had only been back about 3 weeks before my first date with the attorney. Over the course of 2010, for most of the year I was dating at least one person, which was nice. Everything didn’t go my way in the romance department but I had options, which was a plus.
  • I’m more involved in the community & activities – So far in my year in Minneapolis, I joined & then became the leader of a Meetup group for Black women. I volunteered for the Twin Cities Fringe Festival & had a great time. I’ve gotten involved in volunteer opportunities through my alma mater. I’ve been to all kinds of festivals & fairs, from Oktoberfest to the Anarchists Book Fair (very cool btw).

And now the downs:

  • I hate hate HATE the job I moved here for – Yes this is not a secret, I’ve blogged at length about how much I hate this damn job. In fact, I really feel like I made the wrong decision in accepting it. Yes, it got me out of Orlando, but I simply swapped my issues. I went from a city I hated but a job I enjoyed, to a  city I love & a job that’s making me wanna slit my wrists just so I don’t have to go. And that is unhealthy. I was so inpatient in wanting to get out of Orlando that I jumped at the first opportunity to leave and I regret that decision. So now I have to work extra hard to not go insane while I hunt for another job. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake I made here, by going for the first thing offered to me, but I don’t know how long I can last.
  • My heart was broken – 2010 was both an up & down year for dating for me. Yeah I dated a lot, but I definitely struggled in the dating department. First with the attorney, who I caught feelings for when he just wanted to be casual, and the Vegas dude, who I caught feelings for but I suspect I was just a rebound for him. So basically, catching feelings is bad business for Jubi cause they seem to not be reciprocated. *sigh* I haven’t really been dating since the beginning of the year, my heart just isn’t in it, or at least it’s not up for another tragedy. So I’m just going to be on the sidelines for a while.

Overall 2010 was a pretty good year, more ups than downs. I’ve genuinely enjoyed being back in the Midwest, back in Minneapolis, and most importantly, out of Orlando. For the most part I’ve been happier, though lately the stress & unhappiness at my job has been taking over my life.

Here’s hoping my second year in Minneapolis will be even better.

You’re a personal blogger. You write about your life & the people in it.

Someone in your life says they don’t want to be in your blog at all – no name, no initials, not even allusions to convos or things you’ve done together.

This person has a pretty big role in your life & it may get bigger.

What do you do? How do you write about what’s going on in your life while still respecting your friend’s wishes?

Last week I had three dates with a new guy #yay. The new guy, the musician, is a lot of fun & so far I dig him. Our first date was Tuesday and we met up for dinner & drinks. We had a great time so we decided to get together on Thursday night for bowling & beer. Friday night was drinks & a movie. All great times. The musician is very sweet, a complete gentleman & a lot of fun. So far I like him.

During the Friday date, I made a passing remark about my friend DN, and discovered that the musician & DN used to talk a few years ago. My first thought was “interesting…”. As luck would have it, DN hit me up the next day to join her to watch a game at the sportsbar & I agreed so I could get her thoughts on the dating situation.

I know a lot of women subscribe to the idea that if a guy even looks in her friends direction, he’s off-limits. Yeah….#no. Of course some men are off-limits, like ex-hubbys, ex-fiances, even ex-boyfriends depending on how serious the relationship was. But guys that casually dated a friend are totally in play in my world, especially if there wasn’t any sexually contact. I recognize that I might be in the minority in that viewpoint, so I asked DN how she felt about me dating a guy she dated casually a few years ago. She gave me her assurance that it wasn’t a problem, and for everyone’s sake I hope she was being truthful because I don’t do drama.

Living in Minnesota, the circle of Blacks is pretty small, so its inevitable that you’ll run into someone who a friend or acquaintance has dealt with in the past. It’s about two degrees of separation up here, instead of six. These things happen – and they happen in the larger world. I’m always amazed at how many people I know, know each other, and I even remarked on Twitter how small the world is. Seems like I know every Black college educated person that graduated in the last 5-10 years, especially if they are Greek. So with everyone knowing each other & being connected somehow, its only logical that at some point you’re going to date someone who dated a friend right? Unless of course you deem all of them off-limits, which would eliminate a huge part of the available dating pool. I’m not willing to handicap myself like that #imjustsaying.

What are your thoughts about dating someone who dated your friend? Are they all off-limits or does it depend on the relationship? Have you ever had a problem with a friend dating your ex or vice versa? Am I wrong for dating a guy my friend used to date?

Happy 2011 y’all! I hope your new year started on a great note.

I’ve been in Atlanta, enjoying life & bringing in my 2011 with some excitement. This won’t be a recap post (sorry!) but I do want to discuss something else that has become apparent to me the last couple weeks of 2010.

The last two weeks of December gave me more clarity on my life than the majority of the rest of 2010. Its like folks were waiting until the end of the year to show their true character, express their true feelings, or some combination of both. Some of what I learned confirmed what I already knew/thought, while some of it was completely new info & I was very surprised.

My good friend FS always says that some folks are supposed to be in your life for just a season, and I truly believe that. Taking this view on friendships has made it much easier to leave some folks in the past. As I grow as a person, some folks just don’t fit in my life anymore, for whatever reason. Nothing inherently wrong with two people growing apart.

What’s harder for me to deal with is the person who I’ve outgrown, or has grown into someone I don’t really like very much, but they haven’t committed a major wrong against me. Its so easy to be done with someone who has wronged you, but incredibly hard to say “I quit” simply because you don’t like the person anymore. At least its hard for me. But this is the place where I’ve been for the last few weeks, and I’ve finally cut the cord & made the hard decisions.

Do you struggle with eliminating people from your life? How do you handle it?


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Ever wanted to get into the mind of a young, single, professional Black woman? Well here's your chance. Travel with me on this journey called life as I try to find the elusive state of satisfaction...I promise, it'll be a fun time....
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