Searching For Satisfaction

No discussion, just download. Listen. Then tell me if you dig them or not. In the comments section of course.

Culdesac Track Listing

Childish Gambino – Culdesac

EP Tracklisting

Childish Gambino – EP

Theo Martins Mixtape

Theo Martins – Sincerely Yours, The Dance Floor

Frank Ocean Mixtape

Frank Ocean – nostalgia, ULTRA

The Weeknd Mixtape

The Weeknd – House of Balloons

*note: I actually don’t even like The Weeknd all that much but everybody else loves them so I included it anyway. I actually only like 1 song & that’s “What You Need”.*

Mac Miller Mixtape

Mac Miller – Best Day Ever

I wrote this post last year, and I had forgotten all about it until Lauryn Hill’s “I Used To Love Him” came on my iPod when I was in the car. That song still taps into something deep in me, and it still describes exactly how I feel. Amazing. Since I wrote this post, I still love hard…but I’ve learned to not retreat when love knocks me down – I get up, dust myself off, put a smile on my face, and keep on giving & embracing love. Keeping my heart open despite the hurt I faced last year has been a challenge, but I’m happy that I’ve made progress. Anyway…here’s my post from last year – enjoy…

…but now I don’t…

I was driving him from work today…my iPod was on shuffle…and that song came on. I hadn’t heard it in forever…I had to listen to it twice.

This song is ME.

Lyrics:

As I look at what I’ve done
The type of life that I’ve lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn’t fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man’s wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it’s replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who’s lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I don’t

So many parts of this song speak to me…and about my love life up to this point. Especially Mary’s verse, where she sings about following your passion because you’re addicted to the love…sacrificing your crown for some man…knowing it could be so good, wishing/hoping/praying for it be as good as you know it could be…but its not.

Yeah, that’s been me.

I have a really bad habit of loving hard. I go all in when I feel it, I just dive head-first into the pool of feelings…and sometimes I go in so deep & so fast that I can’t make it out. And then once I do make it out, I refuse to test the waters again. I travel on a pendulum, and I swing from one extreme to the next, and then back again…

I’m tired of that.

Maybe I can wise up & figure this love/relationship thing out.

Since last summer, when I first admitted to myself that I was unhappy in my career & needed a change, I’ve been considering the idea of going back to school. At various times I’ve been flip-flopping between a strong interest/desire to go back to school, and a strong aversion to additional schooling. Right now, I’m back on the “I might need to go back to school” side of the pendulum.

Currently I hold a BS and MS in chemistry. Lots of technical training, but that’s it. I’m very good technically at what I do, but now I have additional interests & areas that I want to master, that are way outside of my training. Areas like business development, entrepreneurship, finance, accounting, marketing, and management/HR. I’m not expecting to be an expert in all those areas, but right now I don’t even have a foundation in those areas, beyond what I’ve picked up in my almost 5 years in the corporate world. Right now I can’t really transition out of engineering & into the types of positions I want, because I only have a technical background, with no formal business training. In order to move out of engineering/sciences, which I desperately want to do, I either need some formal training, or someone to take a chance on me & allow me to learn on the job.

My ultimate goal is to own my own business – actually several businesses. I want to control my own destiny. I don’t mind hard-work at all, in fact, I enjoy it. But I want the fruit of those labors to directly benefit me, in more ways than simply a salary and benefits from an employer. If I’m going to give my effort and my time, I want it to be for me & mine, not simply to line the pockets of executives & investors. I won’t work 80-hour weeks for my current job, but I definitely will for my own business.

So why am I on the fence about going back for the MBA? Well there are a couple of factors. First, there is the money problem. I have more than enough student loan debt, and I am not interested in adding to it. In my perfect world, I wouldn’t have to pay a dime for my MBA, and I’d really like to make that happen. I am a realist & I know that’s hard to do, and that’s why I’m hesitant. One option is doing a part-time MBA program & utilizing a tuition reimbursement program through my employer. My current employer changed their tuition reimbursement program, and they now require a 5 year commitment AFTER the completion of the last class is completed, and with a 3-year program, that’s 8 years that I would have to stay #nobueno. So if I want to go the tuition reimbursement route, I have to change employers.

I’m also on the fence because of my age. I will be 29 in July, and if I decide to do a full-time program, the soonest I could begin is Fall 2012, and I would be 30. I’d graduate when I was 32. Do I really want to be in my 30s and back in school? Would I be deemed “too old”? Can I be a grown-up & go back to the life of a poor graduate student? I remember that life, and it was hard enough in my early 20’s. Now I have grown-up bills & responsibilities & I’m not sure if my finances can handle it. I’m not sure if my ego can handle being a 30+ year old graduate student.

My final hesitation about getting the MBA is simply if it is worth it. I know that I don’t want to be a cog in the corporate wheel for the rest of my life. I know I want to do my own thing & be my own boss. Will an MBA help me on that path, or will it simply train me to work for someone else & be a slave to a system that I’m desperate to escape from? I don’t want to spend 2-3 years and thousands of dollars on a piece of paper that won’t help me get to my ultimate goal. I don’t want to waste my time or my money, and I refuse to do so. I know that all the advice in the world won’t be able to guarantee that the time & money spent on an MBA is worth it in achieving my life goals…but it will help me decide whether or not I’m willing to take a chance on an MBA.

So here’s where I ask for advice…if you were in my position, what would you do? Given what I want to do, is an MBA worth it? Should I be worried about being a 30+ year old MBA student? And most important – any suggestions on how I can get my MBA paid for?

For the past two weeks, it’s felt like the beginning of spring here in Mpls. Snow was melting, it was warm enough to remove a layer of clothing (however it was NOT warm enough for the abundance of shorts & flipflops I saw the 2520’s rocking, but I digress…), birds were chirping, all that.

Yesterday it rained all day.

And then this morning I woke up to this:

#FML

I think I jinxed us all with that spring post yesterday.

All I know is, Spring 2011 better not be a repeat of Spring 2002, where it snowed on April 1 AND at the end of April! If that happens, I’m on the first flight back to Florida & yall know how much I hate that heat & humidity.

How’s the weather where you are? No “its 75 & sunny!” comments from the Southerners please!

The Internet, and connecting with people on it, has been apart of my life since the days of IRC and AOL chat rooms. In college, I discovered message boards, and the communities that resided within them. For the uninitiated, a message board is an environment where people can converse through posted messages. Many are organized around a particular theme – there’s a message board community for every topic under the sun, and even some communities that are solely for people to connect with each other.

My first message board experiences were as a silent reader – this was in my non-Greek days & I would lurk on a couple of Greek message boards, reading & soaking up information. Once I was able, I registered & dove right into the conversations. Over the years, I joined other message boards, including a gossip board, a couple of hair boards, and even a few “let’s just talk to each other” boards.

Every board is different, but one thing that always happens is the connection between members. Spend some time on a board, posting & reading, and eventually you’ll make some e-friends. Many people have been on the same boards for years, so inevitable for people to meet offline either one-on-one or at a meet-and-greet (MAG). At the very least, folks friend each other on FB, share emails and/or call/text each other. While friendships are made, conflict is also the norm. For every friend you made on a message board, you also found a font you couldn’t stand.

I’ve noticed that since I’ve been on Twitter, and since its explosion in popularity, my message board use has dwindled to virtually nothing. I used to be on message boards all day, everyday – talking, laughing, etc. It was a welcome diversion to the monotony of my day, and kept me entertained. We’d discuss everything, from mundane topics like what’s for dinner to the latest political controversy. Ladies shared beauty tips and men praised the latest cover of King magazine. And of course there would be those board-wide conflicts, with people instigating & laughing at all the drama.

Now, the antics of Twitter keeps me entertained.

It used to be that you had to invite your friends to a message board & encourage them to post, to get new blood on a site. If you didn’t like someone’s font or had beef, you either had to put them on ignore or leave the board entirely. With Twitter, interactions with new people occur quickly, thanks to retweets (RT’s), random conversations, trending topics (TT’s) and suggestions on who to follow. Somebody getting on your nerves? Unfollowing & blocking are quick & easy to do. Don’t want to unfollow them completely? Put them on mute for a while, thanks to several third-party services.

In a lot of ways Twitter functions like a message board, but in warp-speed. It’s constantly moving, even at 2AM. Everyone can participate in topics & discussions, thanks to trending topics (TT’s) and retweets. Information, ideas & opinions are shared so much faster, and are able to reach a much broader audience. And of course, people are able to develop connections on Twitter just like they were able to do on message boards. Many of my message boards friends are people who I chat with often on Twitter, and I’ve made connections with new people as well. Unlike a message board, Twitter isn’t insular – there are millions (if not billions) of people using it, with new members everyday. You can always find someone tweeting & talking about something interesting at any time of day or night.

Now that I’m a Twitter junkie, I’ve cut my message board time down considerably. I still lurk on a couple, but the entertainment value is no longer there. But I do think back to the years I spent as an active message board participant, and I appreciate that it allowed me to connect with some amazing people & make some great friends.

Were/are you a message board member? What communities did you post on? How do you think Twitter has affected the use of message boards?

Today is another day that I’m being held hostage in the lab by this project. I can barely grab 30 mins for lunch on days like this. *sigh*

I started reading Perfect Peace by Daniel Black. Interesting book so far.

I randomly watched Away We Go this weekend & that movie really tickled me.

So I went out to celebrate my girl’s bday on Friday night & in one night & it was quite an evening. Let’s just say that Minneapolis is too damn small.

I have a new admirer. It’s kinda nice. Still on the bench tho.

New music I’ve been listening to: that new Chris Brown (lots of pop, but overall I like it); that Frank Ocean mixtape (really dig that); Carlitta Durand’s Nostalgic Nights (released awhile ago but I still dig it); and Childish Gambino’s Culdesac (love love love him!)

Ever learn something about a friend & see them in a completely new light? Yeah, that happened to me a couple weeks ago & I swear it feels like a blindfold has been removed from my eyes. I missed some big stuff & was completely fooled…but thats ok I suppose.

I’m in this weird space with my clothes. I’ve lost so much weight that I really need all new stuff, especially for work. Yet I don’t want to buy stuff…cause I’m still losing weight. And clothes are expensive! But I feel like I look horrible in my work clothes, so I gotta figure this out.

You know an artist I don’t like? Big Sean. That fool cannot rap! He sucks, IDK why Kanye signed him.

I drink too much pop.

I got these shoes this weekend:

I love them, I’m super tall in them & they are actually comfy.

I discovered that my friend likes Vampire Weekend & The Black Keys #yay How did I not know this?

I wanna be a yoga instructor. I should just do the teaching training program.

I’ve been breaking out & it’s distressing me 😦

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Isn't it pretty?

It’s been one long-ass winter! The first snow hit Minneapolis at the beginning of November, and I swear it snowed every week! Just snow on top of snow on top of snow…not that I got a snow day or anything this year *sigh*. The worst part about this winter was that I had no one to keep me warm or entertain me during those numerous blizzards.

Minneapolis is the type of city that is just a joy in the spring & summer. It is a beautiful city to socialize in. See that picture up there? That’s really what it looks like in the spring, and I love love love it. Trees & flowers are in full bloom, bright green grass, birds are chirping, all that stuff. As it gets warmer, people come out of hibernation & really start to be social again. The rooftops & patios open, the lakes are packed with people, and every weekend there’s a festival or other outdoor social activity.

I’m definitely looking forward to another active spring & summer in Mpls. Last summer I practically lived on rooftops & patios, and at the various lakes in the Twin Cities. After a long cold never-ending winter, spring is more than overdue.

Are you looking forward to the spring? What are you looking forward to?

The Blog

Ever wanted to get into the mind of a young, single, professional Black woman? Well here's your chance. Travel with me on this journey called life as I try to find the elusive state of satisfaction...I promise, it'll be a fun time....
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Past Posts

The Red Pump Project