Searching For Satisfaction

Archive for the ‘dating’ Category

Remember those notes from back in the day? #nostalgia

I wasn’t gonna write about this at first but then I got dared, so…..

I’ve written before about having a crush, and even going out on a date with my Twitter crush, but I’ve never talked about being on the other side. To be honest, it’s been a minute since someone had a crush on me, at least a crush that I knew about. Last year one of my Twitter followers had a crush on me, and he wouldn’t tell me for the longest time. Instead he’d ask me questions & leave messages in my Formspring. Eventually he revealed his feelings, but also that he felt he wasn’t “ready” to deal with me quite yet, so I left it there.

The new crush is also from Twitter…what started from a convo about a shared love of Lucky Number Slevin morphed into the beginning of a new friendship. We’ve talked about a lot of things & so far he seems like a nice guy. I’m a little hesitant to dive in, I’m moreso interested in developing a friendship first. But it is very nice to be told nice things & have someone in your life that is really into you & not afraid to say it. 

It’s nice to be liked, desired, appreciated & admired. 🙂

Here’s a story for yall…

Over the summer, I was kicking it with the homies DN & SS at Uptown Cafeteria, which was my fave hangout last summer. It has a very fabulous rooftop & everybody was kicking it up there. Anyway, the three of us were having some dinner & drinks, enjoying the weather & the view, when I looked up & saw some serious eye candy. The man was yummy delicious yall. When my crew & I were leaving, we were stopped by the eye candy & we all chopped it up, and the eye candy & I wound up exchanging numbers.

We talked back & forth via text for a while, and then I started running into him regularly when I went out to my fave spot on Friday nights. We’d flirt & chop it up but we didn’t go out. It took several months for me to get a chance to talk to him 1-on-1, and when I did….it was a big let-down. He’s not my kinda guy for numerous reasons (40yo, 4 kids, twice divorced, and not the brightest bulb in the box). So I put him in the “casual acquaintance” category & kept it moving…yet he was persistent. After months & months of pestering me, I finally agreed to meet him for drinks.

And just like I thought, our one & only date was a bust. We have ZERO chemistry, yet he had a lovely time *sigh*. So much so, that he continues to ask me out. OFTEN. And I keep saying no. And telling him why. Yet he does not believe me. For why?

Men, why do yall do this? A woman tells you straight up, point-blank, that she’s not fucking with you, and yet somehow yall see that as a green light? Really? Are you not hearing what we’re saying? Or are you conditioned to not stop at “no”? (bad move btw, no means no fellas, all the time). A woman who doesn’t want to date you, who doesn’t want to sleep with you, is not a challenge. She’s simply not interested. There are plenty of parched women who would love a little bit of your attention, why waste it on a woman who doesn’t want it?

My strategy is to keep up the good fight & hope that he finally realizes how serious I am about not having any type of dating situation with him. Let’s see what happens. Granted, I know I probably should have cut it off & been more forceful about it months ago. I have a problem with that tho, and I was hoping he’d give up & move on to a woman that is less than a challenge. Sadly, he’s kept up the good fight *sigh*.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? Can the men please explain why yall do this?

Hey yall, here’s another guest post, this time from the homie 3rings. Show him some love please

First, I would like to start off by saying thank you to an old e-friend, Jub, for allowing me to share her space and for allowing me the opportunity to write to you all today. My topic of discussion I would like to present to you is about the males version of Valentine’s Day, also known as Steak and BJ day. For the uninitiated, March 14th is a day of which men have selected in response to the more woman-oriented Valentine’s Day. On this day, ladies who have a man (jumpoff, FwB, etc) are asked to prepare a steak for their man and top it off with a happy ending (oral sex). While reviewing my Twitter timeline, there were a lot of women who flat out refused to take part in such a day, but were ecstatic to be a part of Valentine’s Day. That is called being selfish, very selfish.

On Twitter what generally happens is a playful topic is morphed into one of serious discussion. Some of the ladies viewed this day, the act of cooking, and the act of oral sex, as submission towards a man. It only takes a limited amount of experience to understand submission and sisters are not joined together lol. The cries are loud and venomous as normal anytime the word submission is brought up in any form. This “holiday” is being seen as an act of submission when it was just intended to be playful.

I do know this, the act of submission is the best gift a woman can ever give a man besides children. Before the ladies pull out your weapons, hear me out.

Submission is not a weak thing nor does it mean your opinion is not valid. It simply means you trust your mate to make the correct decision after having asked your views on the topic. I think far too often, most especially when it comes to the Black community, the word is looked on as a negative. I would go so far as to say that the women who refuse their man when he asks for a simple steak and oral sex either do not want  to submit (for fear of being deemed weak) out of hand or is simply very selfish. This is one of the biggest reasons, in my opinion, Black men and women cannot get along. Somebody has to lead and a lot of fellas are not going to be the follower.

The holiday aside, lets look a little bit more into that last sentence. Questions have always been asked as to why the brothers are dating the others. In my opinion, it is because a lot of sisters want the role of head of household. The whole I am a strong woman, I am a CEO of this or that, the perceived attitudes (justified or not) have lead many a brother (if they admit it or not) to move on to where he can be the man of his home. Now, before you say this, “well, if he cannot handle a strong woman, he is a punk or female dog” I offer this: why would anybody want to put up with that if they do not have to? Ladies have requests and most do not settle for anything less. If a woman will refuse a request like a steak and BJ, what else will she refuse? Where else will she be combative? And the big question – do I really want to deal with a selfish, combative, argumentative woman? In most cases, that answer by actions are no.

I end with this, March 14th is meant for fun and for pleasing the man who lays it on the line every day for you. It is not meant to demean or anything of that nature. If you took it as such, maybe you should reevaluate some things in your personal life. The act of submission is not for the weak woman; it shows true strength and the trust you have in your mate. And lastly, if you are one of those people always stating what you will not do because it makes you look a certain way, that is your right and I will defend it to the death. However, I prefer my steak medium rare and my oral sex done slow and very moisturized.

Thank you for reading.

Alright yall, thoughts? Is 3rings on point here or is he off his rocker? Hit the comments!

First, thank you so much to everyone who left their thoughts on yesterday’s post (and check it out if you didn’t get a chance to read it). I appreciate everyone’s thoughts & there were a lot of great points made.

Two comments really stood out to me, and sparked some additional questions/discussion.

First there was TheUndeniable’s comment:

So once I read TheUndeniable’s comment, I realized that I missed a crucial question – how do you define compatibility? Is it when you “click” with someone? Is it shared values/beliefs? Is it simply agreeing on things & getting along? Or is it all or a combination of things?

How exactly does one judge compatibility? Is it an overall ability to get along with someone? Compatibility is specific areas, like mentally, socially, spiritually, sexually, etc? Do you need all/most of them to be considered “compatible” with someone, or is the key to find someone who you are compatible with in the areas that are most important to you?

For me, compatibility is very important. Compatibility is an intangible connection; shared beliefs/life outlook, similar interests, an attraction/connection on a mental/personality/sexual level. Being able to “click” with someone right from the beginning is one of those things I look for. I like being on the same page with someone who shares my values, life outlook, etc. I definitely think compatibility in some areas are more important than others. Most important to me are emotional, mental/personality & sexual compatibility. With those in place, I think I could make a relationship work.

I’ve never been the type to go for a guy solely for his looks, and I haven’t really been into overly attractive, “pretty boy”-types. I tend to go for guys who have great personalities, who I “click” with, but are also attractive to me. I’ve met guys & thought “He’s not that cute”, but with time & the building of the friendship & the connection, he gained attractiveness. But of course there has to be a minimum level of physical attraction from the beginning; compatibility can’t make up for a complete lack of physical attraction, at least not for me. But I think I may be more forgiving in the attractiveness category than others, mostly because it’s never been at the top of my must-have list when dating someone.

And finally, I loved this comment from Joistyck:

Awwwwww…that’s sweet. And that’s the type of scenario I was thinking of when I posed the original question on Twitter. Two people meet and are able to figure out how right they are for each other, without a focus on the physical. I really think this happens a lot when folks interact on the Internets, whether it’s on message boards, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc.

I think a lot of times the physical gets in the way for a lot of folks. They can’t see past the pretty face or the banging body & really evaluate if they can truly deal with this person day in & day out. Can they truly enjoy their company, put up with their bullshit, and all that other stuff. A lot of folks just get blinded by the attraction & never consider the other stuff. Maybe its time they start.

Alright yall, time for Part II in the comments section! What areas of compatibility are important to you? How do you define compatibility? Can being compatible with someone take them from being a 4 to an 8 for you? Share!

I’m an inquisitive person by nature, so I’m often asking questions, especially on Twitter.

A few weeks ago I asked this:

First, I’d love it if you readers would answer that question in the comments section, thanks. I’m really curious about this.

I don’t even remember how I got on this topic, but I had a lot of random thoughts in my head. How important is compatibility in a relationship/marriage? Is it better to be with someone who makes you hot or someone you get along with? If you really want to go the distance, should you go for someone who is kind of “middle of the road” in both categories, or pick one over the other?

Given the interconnectedness of our world now, I think it’s a lot easier to find someone who you are compatible with. Sites like eHarmony are built on the idea of connecting people based on their compatibility & a shared foundation/set of values, and THEN adding the physical attraction part in later. With Facebook, Twitter, message boards, etc, it’s so much easier to meet like-minded individuals, and to make a connection with someone without the physical part being the main focus.

We’re still humans, and physical attraction is still a vital part of human interaction. But with the new ways that we interact, I wonder how much of a backseat the physical part takes, when the heart is invested in someone who is truly meant for you in every other sense.

Thoughts? Oh and be sure to answer the questions I asked above, including the one from Twitter. Thanks!

In my years of dating, I’ve had my fair share of  randoms who try to holla. You know what I’m talking about – those guys who clearly have ZERO CHANCE of getting a reply, much less your number or a date. Everything from them is wrong – the approach, the dress, the language, etc. Its just wrong wrong wrong.

Generally, when a woman (or a man for that matter, but I’m not a man so IDK how true this is) keeps attracting the same type of men, especially randoms that you would never even want to sit next to on the bus, ppl give the same type of advice. It’s always “Well what are you doing to attract all these randoms? It must be something about you that keeps attracting them. Figure out what you’re doing wrong & fix it & then you’ll be set.”

Yeah…..NO.

Listen, you can’t control what man approaches you. I really wish it was that simple, but it’s not. In fact, the most undesirables are the ones who approach EVERY WOMAN they see! Literally. It’s a numbers game for them – the more women they approach, the more likely they are to get a “yes” from at least one woman. They don’t care who the woman is, they are gonna approach & try to holla. That’s not a reflection on the woman. It’s not like they skip trying to holla at certain women, they holla at EVERYONE.

I’m sure someone is going to say something like “well if  you’re dressed a certain way you’ll attract certain dudes”. And to that I say STFU & you don’t know what you’re talking about. Rachets & randoms don’t give a fuck what you’re wearing, I’ve had undesirables try to holla when I was in business suits, turtlenecks, hell I could have been wearing a nun’s habit & they still would have tried to holla & would have been inappropriate.

If someone knows a way to keep undesirables from approaching, please let me know in the comments.

Ladies, if you’re having trouble with the randoms approaching you, don’t let it get you down. It happens. Just let it roll off your back & keep it moving. But don’t believe that bullshit advice that something is wrong with you just because the wrong men approach you. It’s not always about you.

BTW, do men every deal with this? Just curious. I figured this was a woman-specific problem.

Thoughts?

So since the end of last year I’ve been loving this new Lloyd Banks song, I Don’t Deserve You.

So in the song he’s talking about really digging a chick, caring for her, knowing that they’d be perfect for each other…but leaving her alone cause he knows he’d be bad for her.

Huh.

On the surface it seems like a caring thing to do, to own up to ones “ain’t shit”-ness & say “You are too good of a person for me to fuck over so I’mma just not even fuck wit you”. But at the same time, shouldn’t caring for someone, especially someone who you care for, that you know is the right person for you, shouldn’t that be motivation to get your shit together? To stop being raggedy & start being the person they need you to be? To let go of the randoms, the gallivanting,etc?

As a woman, if a man hit me with this “baby, I can’t date you cause I’m too much of a fuck up for you” stuff, I’d be pissed. I’d think “why am I too good for him to treat like one of the randoms, but not good enough for him to get his shit together?”. Recognizing that you need to do better is only part of the solution – you have to go further & actually do better; simply recognizing what you need to work on is like only driving half the distance to your job.

The more I think about this, the more this whole idea just seems like a man running game to me. Maybe there is some sincerity behind it, but how strong can the feelings be if the person isn’t willing to change for someone they love?

Thoughts? Am I way off base here? Has someone ever said this to you?

 


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Ever wanted to get into the mind of a young, single, professional Black woman? Well here's your chance. Travel with me on this journey called life as I try to find the elusive state of satisfaction...I promise, it'll be a fun time....
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