Searching For Satisfaction

Relationship Stuff

Posted on: June 7, 2010

I had like a million thoughts in my head today, so this may come out disjointed…oh well, I tried.

Yall know I’ve been dating the attorney…its been good, but I’ve been flummoxed about “us” & what was going on.  When we first started dating it was all about keeping it light & fun, cause he’s all in work-mode…but I got caught up & caught feelings.  It happens, #sueme.  We had a long rambling talk this weekend (which started in an art museum & ended in a Dairy Queen – both weird places to have a relationship talk)…and at the end of the day the ball is in my court.  He’s fine with everything & won’t change, but why would he?  Everything is in his favor right now.  I’m the one who’s unhappy so I will have to be the one to decide if I walk or not.  Right now its leaning towards walk.

While I was trying to figure out what I was going to do, I asked some folks for advice…and the responses I got were totally dependent on one factor: gender.  All the men said one thing, and all the women said something completely different, which I found to be very interesting.  The men said I should stick with him & let him be all about work right now, while the women said they would have walked a long time ago.  I don’t know if this is related, but the majority of the men are either married or in relationships, while the majority of women are single & not dating #kanyeshrug  I’m the type to make up my own mind, but the different perspectives gave me stuff to consider.

Chopped it up with a male friend recently who lamented his super single status – he has no gf, boo, FwB, jump-off, nothing.  And he’s unhappy, depressed, all that stuff.  It struck me as kinda odd.  I know folks always talk about how bad it is out here for women…but does anyone talk about how hard it is for men?  I think we all assume that men have it so easy, that they can find the right woman to date/love/marry with little to no effort.  But clearly that’s not true, men go through the same bouts of insecurity & unhappiness over their lovelifes as women do.  I found myself giving my friend the same “it’ll happen before you know, don’t worry about it, just have fun & enjoy life” advice that I hate when folks give me…funny how that works, isn’t it?  Its great advice, but sometimes you just need to wallow…and maybe that’s what he needed to do.


13 Responses to "Relationship Stuff"

If I can give you some advice, there are a couple things that I have learned after being in a relationship for so long.

1. You need to decide what you are willing to put up with without sacrificing your own happiness. You need to define these limits for yourself, for this relationship and any future ones.

2. You need to be happy with the person for who they are and relationship for what it is. Too many people, men and women, wait around for people change or something that might happen. People are not guaranteed to change and they don’t owe future change to anyone. They also do not owe any progression in the relationship, you both need to want that. You will waste a lot of time and go through a lot of frustration and unhappiness waiting for these things to happen.

It is always possible that eventually he will want to focus on his personal life, but you can’t wait around with the hope that that will happen. Either enjoy the relationship for what it is or move on.

You are a wonderful, dynamic woman and will be just fine either way.

Don’t’ you hate when you’re at this point in a “relationship?” When you’re not sure if you should stay or if you should go? I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you. And if not, you can always change your mind.

It was very interesting to hear your guy friend’s perspective about dating. I never think of the guys who are ready to settle down but can’t find the right woman.

I wholeheartedly agree with heather. She speaks with wisdom.

You know I’m here if you want to discuss your thoughts/vent and/or go through your pros/cons list. And I’m sure with careful thought, you’ll make the right decision – that being defined by you.

I agree with Heather wholeheartly! In my opinion, “don’t settle” if you’re looking for a more committed relationship. On the other hand, accept the relationship progression for what it is. If the attorney enjoys being in your company but it doesn’t appear it wants to take the relationship to the next level, be grateful that you’re able to discern that now, sooner than later. Bottom line, you have control over your life. Pray over it and make the decision that is best for you and your happiness.

y’all are kicking it and everything is cool, and you want to walk because you caught feelings?

it doesnt add up.

i would think that people walk before they catch feelings, not after. the fact that you are so quick to consider bouncing makes me wonder just how strong these “feelings” are.

And if you can put those feelings aside long enough to walk away from the relationship, why cant you put them aside long enough to prolong this enjoyable relationship?

I would sacrifice a little heartbreak later for a great time now if i’m kicking it with somebody i like spending time with. even better if i might have developed some feelings for them.

If you’ve been heartbroken before, then you know its worth the ride. Ride it out for a while if you dig him. Dont be a punk.

if this guy can’t meet you halfway then this guy’s not for you!! i can tell that you really don’t want to walk away from this relationship, but it can’t continue as it is either.

I’m pretty sure you have a list of things you would like changed, so let him KNOW that as is the relationship will END! this will tell you two things…

1) how much he likes you
2) what a future w/ him would be like…

when a man wants a woman there’s no half stepping! so if he wants you he will concede

Only you make the call but I have two clique saying that come to mind in this situation:

1) “people make time for things they want”

2)”don’t make someone a priority if your an option”

Sis, you have to decide if you want to continue to have this man in your life. If you are ready to get serious and he isn’t, is he worth waiting for? I can understand being devoted to your career and wanting to be successful. Also, you guys started out stating that you didn’t want anything serious. You can come in the game and all of a sudden change the rules and expect the other team to just go along with it. It’s up to you to keep playing or bow out. Good luck.

I’m not totally surprised that advice broke down gender lines. I was raised to follow the hard and fast ‘if he doesn’t seem ready to commit after two years rule…’.

This always seemed tethered to the ageist and sexist premise that a woman’s market value doesn’t hold out as long as a man’s in the dating world. So where he might be considered a great catch in three years, the woman probably won’t.

As for my opinion, I will side with the majority of other women with this exception: you may not have to dump him right now, but you should definitely be dating others seriously. And please whatever you do BE HONEST about your intentions.

Hmmm, dilemmas! And one I know well.

Only you know what will make you and keep you happy long term. Pray on it and don’t feel compelled to rush a decision. You can continue to enjoy his company, date and see what happens or cut ties completely as long as you end up happy.

I definitely agree w/Cyn. Best of luck w/this decision.

blessings and prayers and love,


So it’s about 3 weeks later…what’s the verdict? What did you decide?

If you truly want a commitment and he doesn’t, I think you’ve probably known what you need to do all along. Even if you decide to stick it out, I suggest you date other guys. If he’s not ready to commit, he’s ready to possibly lose you to someone else.

I’m not suggesting that you be messy and throw it in his face, of course. Just keep your options open.

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