Searching For Satisfaction

Keeping A Backup Plan

Posted on: May 20, 2010

I had a very interesting convo with a friend today via email.  We were discussing dating & when is it time to get rid of the team & be exclusive/monogamous with your #1 draft pick.

His response was “I would say NEGATIVE, do not send the other dudes packing until it has come out his mouth that he wants you to only be with him.  No guess-work or forming opinions; either he says it or not.  You are available until he says otherwise…Honestly, I wouldn’t drop anyone else until I had a ring on my finger (that is what I would tell my daughters).  Either way, you dropping the other callers is all up to his plan of action forward.”

I pressed him to explain some more, and that’s when he said: “I would say monogamous exclusive as it relates to sex but dating, keep the team on deck  People are so fickle as it relates to committed relationships; hence some women can be with a man for 10 yrs and never get a ring, all because they were exclusive and the dude didn’t want the married title.  At that point, she done let all the potentials get away and feels destined to be stuck where she is.  If she had only kept some team members, she might have options (let alone letting it go 10 yrs).  Anyway, when a man see’s or senses that there is someone else vying for his lady’s time he will more than likely pick up the pace.  All I am saying is keep options, until you know for sure he is for real about the business, even up until engagement.  This can be easily done by being honest, “I am seeing someone serious and you and I are just friends”.”

Hmmm….interesting.  And totally flies against most folks ideals.  A lot of folks are anti-team & believe dating one person at a time is the way to go.  Others are cool with a team, as long as it’s not serious.  But can you really be serious with one person, but still have some options lurking in the background?

It’s no secret that I’m on Team Date More Than One Person At A Time.  But having a “just-in-case” dude for when the bf doesn’t act right?  Never done it.  It seems counter-intuitive to the idea of moving towards a goal of marriage or at least a longterm relationship.  Hedging your bets is great, but when it comes to matters of heart, it’s not always possible.  At some point you have to go all-in, and you can’t be all-in if you have second- and third-string players waiting to get into the game.  Though on some level, you could argue that anytime you date more than one person at a time, you essentially have a primary and a backup (or several backups).  That’s still not the same as having a bf/gf & then side folks waiting to get it in.

Thoughts?  Is my friends strategy smart or misguided?


9 Responses to "Keeping A Backup Plan"

Personally, I could see the validity in your friend’s argument; however that still leaves the potential for the relationships from the bench to go south at a moment’s notice, especially if they want to be the star player. I’ve seen too many men and women go nuts over some d*ck/p*zzy.

I say this: if you want to keep the backups, be straightforward and let them know their role up front. Then there should be no confusion. May not stop potential stalkers though…

Much love & God bless!

I agree with him. I think he is saying, date more than one person at a time until he opens his mouth and says ‘I don’t want to date other people. I want to be exclusive.’ For me, I’m not having sexy time with anyone I’m not exclusive with. That’s just how I roll, so until we’re ‘kind of serious’, I’m dating whoever I feel like dating.

At the point where it’s just us two, I expect things to progress at a reasonable pace. I am not going to spend 7 yrs with a man who can’t say I love you and can’t say ‘we’ and isn’t talking about ‘us’. If we’re not like minded, I can’t even see us ‘together’ like that.

I’m in my late 30’s so those are my thoughts, which are much different than someone in their mid to late 20’s might think but really… if you give him an inch he’ll take a mile.

I think this is what your friend is saying– make him tell you what he wants, or he doesn’t get it. Don’t infer, don’t suppose, don’t guess and don’t take the steps FOR him. If he can’t take those steps, he isn’t for me. And if he seems to not be taking the steps in the time I think is reasonable, then maybe we’re not on the same wavelength and we need to either come to Jesus or go back to being more casual.

So many times I think men see a great woman (or two), and wanna snatch her up and reserve her for later. Uhm no.


I’m 29. And I wholeheartedly agree with you. I think communication is the key to dealing with this situation.

There’s no way I’m going to be spending 2 or 3 years with a guy and he is unable to express his feelings to me…I’m wasting time with someone who is obviously showing me he can’t give me what I want. And according to what I’ve set as the standard for me, that’s settling. And I’m too fabulous for that.
You are so right about great women being kept on reserve, stringing her along until he decides he was to be with her and only her. Not happening. I think we have to look at it the way we do other aspects of our lives…are you really going to sit back and chill at work, knowingly not getting what you believe you deserve? no promotions, raises, and/or no OTJ training/exposure?
I’m at a point in my life where I date with a purpose. I go into a situation with a goal – trying to figure out if this person has dating/courting/marrying potential. Reminding myself that if I observe a dealbreaker, I will move on.

Then again J i’ve been married for eons…most folks think my thinking on the dating game is outdated anyway LOL

I hear what ya boy is saying about not acting exclusive before a dude is ready to be exclusive. We women tend to date one dude at a time putting all our eggs in one basket and thats not always healthy. We need to start treating dating the same way men do; quantity is key. We should explore the options out there and not spend so much time up under just one guy because I can almost guarantee he’s kicking it with other females.

But I do have to agree with you on the idea that having a “just-in-case” dude for when your man acts up is not cool. I know I wouldnt want my dude to have a back-up chick. That doesnt even sound right. Having a back-up is like saying you dont have faith in the longevity of your relationship. I say when you get exclusive with a man its time to lay the rest of the squad off. Especially since a lot of times people dont/wont respect your relationship like you do and will continue to try their hand under the guise of being “just friends.”

I will be a man of few words. He got it to the T! I couldn’t have said it better myself! Right on young people! Be Great!

I agree with the “keep a team until you get committment talk” for men AND women. And I’ll take it a step further by including actions as well as talk when it comes to expressions of commitment & exclusivity. Don’t cut others off on a whim or “potential”. That’s shooting yourself in the foot.

Granted, folks cheat or don’t live up to expectation. At that point, though, they’ve made themselves liars; leaving them shouldn’t be hard in the face of that, IMO.

Even when I’ve met a lot of potentials in the same time frame, I’d typically seriously date one at at time. If its not serious to me then maybe 2 or 3, but I haven’t been a “team” type of girl since late teens/early 20s maybe?–I have done the backup plan thing. I actually used to say that Plan B song by Master P and Mia X was a “theme song” of sorts–showing my age and once immaturity at the same time I guess. I wouldn’t do that now though… I date one at a time because I know what I want. I want one companion–not a bunch of halfsies.

If she entertains other guys, i’m out. How I look competing against other dudes. For a chick? In 2010?

As a professional black man, there are like 5 available black women for every 1 of us. Not to mention all the non-black chicks who make sandwiches after sex.

This whole “suitor-juggling” game is especially dangerous for black chicks right now. Seems like a good way to either attract lames, or not get married at all.

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