Searching For Satisfaction

I Used To Love Him…

Posted on: February 17, 2010

…but now I don’t…

I was driving him from work today…my iPod was on shuffle…and that song came on. I hadn’t heard it in forever…I had to listen to it twice.

This song is ME.


As I look at what I’ve done
The type of life that I’ve lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn’t fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man’s wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it’s replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who’s lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I don’t

So many parts of this song speak to me…and about my love life up to this point. Especially Mary’s verse, where she sings about following your passion because you’re addicted to the love…sacrificing your crown for some man…knowing it good be so good, wishing/hoping/praying for it be as good as you know it could be…but its not.

Yeah, that’s been me.

I have a really bad habit of loving hard. I go all in when I feel it, I just dive head-first into the pool of feelings…and sometimes I go in so deep & so fast that I can’t make it out. And then once I do make it out, I refuse to test the waters again. I travel on a pendulum, and I swing from one extreme to the next, and then back again…

I’m tired of that.

Maybe I can wise up & figure this love/relationship thing out.


3 Responses to "I Used To Love Him…"

this song has been on the breakup play list since high school! great song. my favorite part is from Lauryn "he was the ocean and I was the sand…" smh. good choice.

You will figure it out girlie. Love is a never ending lesson it feels like. I'm an all or nothing kinda woman and when I too fall in love, I dive in heart first. I just go for it and have gotten hurt many times. I forget what book I got this from but the advice the protagonist was given in one situation regarding her love life was to "think with your heart and love with your brain". I've learned now that while you can't help who you fall in love with, you can decide what to do with those emotions once you've discovered them. My most recent heart break opened my eyes that you can love a person and yet they are not the right person for you.

"But I still love you.."Good one JET, there will always be something about this album which will allow it to transcend through the ages, much like The Elements.

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Ever wanted to get into the mind of a young, single, professional Black woman? Well here's your chance. Travel with me on this journey called life as I try to find the elusive state of satisfaction...I promise, it'll be a fun time....
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