Searching For Satisfaction

Calling the Ladies to the Carpet

Posted on: December 15, 2009


I was out of town handling some business this past Friday, so I missed a very busy day on Twitter. The topic of conversation? This article in the Washington Post, entitled “Successful, Black and Lonely.”

*sigh*

Yall know I’m tired of talking bout this subject. We know the stats, we’ve read the books, we know the chicks. Why we’re still talking bout this, I will never know. Anyway, this post isn’t to rehash all that stuff. This post is for the ladies in my demographic: educated, doing the damn thing @ work, and then going home & cuddling with a body pillow.

Ladies, ladies, ladies….its time we had a serious talk with ourselves. We have some issues. Now I know that’s hard to hear, but its true. I’ve been thinking this for a while, but that Post article just pushed me over the edge. I hate to say this, but we as a group are fucking up. For real.

Take for example, these gems from the Post article:

In a series of essays, Andrews documents the lives of so many young black women who appear to have everything: looks, charm, Ivy League degrees, great jobs. Closets packed full of fabulous clothes; fabulous condos in fabulous gentrified neighborhoods; fabulous vacations, fabulous friends. And yet they are lonely: Their lives are repetitive, desperate and empty. They are post-racial feminists who have come of age reaping the benefits of both the civil rights movement and the women’s movement, then asking quietly:What next?


“For a lot of black women, especially young successful black women, we have a lot of boxes on our master plan list checked off,” Andrews says. “We think happiness should come immediately after that. But that is not always the case.”


“I went on a date last night with Cornrows,” Andrews says, using the nickname that her friends have given the man. “I got in his car and there was this strawberry smell fragrance. I had to roll the window down by hand. I assume it’s paid for.” Cornrows, she says, seems nice, but that is the problem. “He can put together coherent sentences, but they are not in any way related to my life,” she says. She laughs, but catches herself. She knows the man is trying hard. She also knows Cornrows doesn’t stand a chance. “I’m a mean woman. I don’t date nice people. That’s why I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle.”

These quotes (and some others) made my head hurt & also made me want to beat up some chicks. Like for real? Ugh, I so need yall to do better.

I hate to say it, but in a lot of ways, your dating situation or lack of it, is your own fault. I know, because I’ve been in the same boat. Walking around talking about “Oh, I’m an educated Black woman, Black men are intimidated by me, blah blah blah” only helps keep that negativity in your life, and keeps you from what you want: a healthy committed monogamous relationship with a man that you love that loves you back.

First ladies, you need to make one thing clear: YOU AREN’T OWED ANYTHING, INCLUDING HAPPINESS. Read it again if you need to. Just because you have the degrees, the fancy title, the red-soled shoes and the fabulous townhouse, that does not mean that the Universe is obligated to make you happy, or give you the things that you THINK will make you happy. You aren’t owed a husband, or children, or that parking space at the mall, or anything else. So stop thinking that you are. Be grateful for what you do have; be grateful & thankful that you’re hard work has gotten you to where you are. What you want isn’t going to come to you easily, but you already know this. Did those degrees come easily? Did the house come easily? So why do you think that the “perfect” man is going to fall from the sky?

Second thing – STOP BEING SUCH A SNOB WHEN IT COMES TO MEN & DATING! I almost lost my mind when I read that bit about “Cornrows” and his car. I mean seriously ladies, are we really disqualifying dudes because he doesn’t have power windows? For real? Come on…now I’m all for having standards, but that is not a standard, thats just being a snob & elitist. Is the presence or lack of power windows really going to give you an indication of that man’s character? I think not. Not to mention, way too many of us have a “standard” that we ourselves can’t meet (thanks to LM for that point). You can’t demand that a man have an attribute that you don’t possess. I’m not saying that you date every random that comes your way, but damn, loosen up! As stated in point #1, the Universe doesn’t owe you anything, therefore you aren’t owed that perfect Black man making 6 figures with 3 degrees, a 7 Series and a McMansion. So stop measuring every man you encounter with that impossible standard…unless of course, you just love cuddling with your body pillow at night…alone.

Third, ladies, YOU ARE NOT YOUR RESUME! I’ve been guilty of this myself…yes I am a chemist & a graduate of 2 very fabulous universities and whatnot…but that doesn’t speak to my character. And more importantly, the way I am in the office, handling business & being in charge, is not the way I am at home. But too many of us dont take off that corporate armor at home or in our personal lives, and then we wonder why everyone thinks we’re mean & bitchy. It won’t kill you to be nice, and it won’t kill you to go out with a guy who is nice but may not be as educated as you, or make as much money, or even have a car with power windows. And conversely, the dude that has the degrees, the title, the 5 Series and the trendy loft may be great, but none of his “things” can tell you if he’s loyal, dependable, trustworthy, a good provider, or a host of other things that are important in a committed relationship. As the First Lady so eloquently put it in her Glamour magazine interview:

“Cute’s good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it’s, Who are you as a
person? That’s the advice I would give to women: Don’t look at the bankbook or
the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his
mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn’t know.
And, more important, how does he treat you? When you’re dating a man, you should
always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt
yourself. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you
completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you’re in that relationship and
you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married.”

That’s some sage advice right there ladies.

I’m sure some of yall are yelling at me right now, and that’s ok. A year ago, I would have been yelling at me too. But it needs to be said. Actually, all this stuff has been said, but by a lot of male bloggers, and yall just tune that out…maybe this time yall will listen to me…If I’m wrong or off base, I’m sure yall will let me know, but I dont think I am. Self-reflection is a bitch, but it must be done. And I know we can do better ladies, we absolutely have to.

Thoughts?

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17 Responses to "Calling the Ladies to the Carpet"

Jubi, excellent post. I know there is SO MUCH more to say on this subject, but we (as women and as individuals) need to take responsibility for ourselves and the part WE play in either helping or hindering ourselves in seeking and having positive, loving relationships. It truly IS about being self-aware and having constructive self-love; many of us (men and women) don’t even love ourselves, so how can we ask someone else to love us? Yes, men need to be accountable for what THEY need to do but we as women need to be responsible for our own happiness as well. Tying happiness to someone else is a recipe for disaster.

There is a very apt quote from Arsène Houssaye – “Dites moi qui vous aimez et je vous dirai qui vous etes
(Tell me who you love, and I’ll tell you who you are.)” Something to think about.

*plink plunk*

Amen! Pass the offering plate!

I had to check myself and do some self-reflection…for really the greater part of 2009.
I have standards and deal-breakers but please believe that does not include power windows. I know little about cars so 5 or 7 series is not the least bit relevant.
Like our first lady said, it’s really about how he’s treating you and how you feel in the relationship.

Let’s do better ladies in 2010!!!

Sadly this is preaching to the choir. The broads who need to be beaten over the head with this commentary are either too busy to care or too caught up in themselves to acknowledge the sense in this blog posting (and others like it).

Nothing comes automatically, and it’s true: in order to get what you truly want in life, you have to work for it.

Is it just me, or does the media at times tend to jump on stories like this all too readily?

Indeed!!!

good article. i am also tired of this debate.

See, this is what I was talking about over drinks.

Ya’ll apparently thought I was stuck up in school, but the reality was my demeanor was a response to the kind of wonky political crap most black folks have about what it means to be “black enough.”

I, obviously, have no idea what constitutes being being “black.”

Cornrows and a crank window: too black?

Engineer who listens to electronic music & not much hip-hop: too white?

Until people can start accepting their peers for who they are instead of judging them based on a bunch of twisted stereotypes and cultural “norms,” this debate is going to get re-hashed over and over again.

Great topic and I agree. While I have a degree from a well known college, I never limited who I dated; from investment bankers to Fed Ex delivery. B/c they were just that, dates. So many of us get in the habit of thinking way too far ahead on the first date or the thought of it. How are you ever going to meet the right man for you if you don’t even get out there and date somebody? Love comes when we’re not looking for it not when we’re trying to “formulate” it and how it should go.

And we all should know by now that love and happiness don’t come in a special luxury wrapped package. Most of those brothas with the high paying jobs and fancy degrees yadda yadda, in my experiences dating some of them, were the dogs and too into themselves at the end of the day. I cannot and will not generalize them ALL, of course, but I say all that to say just b/c something looks nice on paper doesn’t mean that it really is.

Let’s stop trying to control love ladies and be welcome to meeting new people and letting it happen!

yea, this chick reeked of insecurity.

<=== swiv

It's interesting (but understandable) that no one has tried to defend the notion of not having an executive job, power locks or at least one black card being a immediate dealbreaker. Good to see we're all facing the same direction. I agree that its easier said than done, but it must be done. I had to come to the terms with myself on the fact that I am a great guy and that I need to let go of the fact I didn't graduate from college and don't have a nice title to label my worth. Alot of men know how to respect their job but don't know how to respect their women. So, as previously stated, the cars, clothes, houses and "Who wants to be Millionaire's wife" standpoint goes out the window when he doesn't come home at night. Women, you all always say "The good ones are always taken." It's because you all keep letting us go.

THANK YOU!!!

And you are not giving us men INCENTIVE to be good, if you are chasing ASSH*OLES… As @AverageBlackMale put it…

“Ladies stop blaming the entire male gender just because you’re attracted to assholes”

Also ladies, that super independent vibe is a turn off for guys sometimes. How do you want us but dont need our help?

Also, let that “DIVA” vibe go. Its so corny to see girls go out of their way to have a stank attitude.

Relax!

Great posts. Thanks for speaking the truth, even though a lot of people are probably pissed off now.

Here is the real deal:

Brothers are getting married. Its not that they are allergic to marriage. Also, no one is intimidated by these women with all this education or money or anything. If you guys are married, isn’t everything community property? Remember, there are plenty of ways to success…college & success are no synomous. College is not the only way. A lot of females want to be married and like the idea of marriage but don’t really want to follow the RULES of marriage. A lot of women just don’t want to be left out of the marriage image and conversation that their peers are participating in.

Also, the main issue is there is a huge lack of respect for black men. A lot of women have daddy issues. They also hold the next guy responsible for mistakes that their fathers made. Yes, black men made mistakes by not being there and giving them a template of what a man should be like. This is why we have a lot of sassy, combatitve, and argumentative females out here. Mind you every man is not worthy of respect.

Also, ladies admit it. There is an influx of egos out here also. You don’t have to flaunt everything in our face. Honestly, we are glad you have it but really don’t care about it. That’s your career. We care about our happiness and how you fit in it and what you bring to the table. Either you are bringing something to the table or taking something from our table.

If you ladies would like to make a change, then you will definitely see a change in your dating life.

Jubs, I have a lot to say about this, as I first came across this via another blog perspective (The Intersection of Reality) in any case I need to actually read the article, so I’ll get back to you with a full comment.

In the short-term – the more you talk about not having something, and how hard it is to find it, the more likely those statments start to manifest itself in your life. (their life or whoever is making the statments)

“I think therefore I am” – more later!!!

Diva

I am disappointed that she didn’t come back… UGH!!!

Thank you!

I’m sooo damn tired of this debate. I’ve even had to check myself and my Mama on it. I used to co-sign her line of, “Y’all didn’t work out because he was intimidated by your degree and other fabulousness.” Umm? No. We didn’t work out because I was mean, bitchy, and felt like I was better than him. Facing that truth was really hard to do. I’m trying to do better now. Every time I see one of these articles or hear a conversation about the shortage of black men or why black women w/degrees and other resume fillers are still single at alarming rates, I want to gag. This conversation is quite played. Furthermore, most of these conversations are pure whining about why things are not and there’s little conversation as to what you can do to change your (seemingly dismal *eye roll*) state. I’m not advocating for anyone to settle, but I am advocating that we be a bit more realistic, humble ourselves, and step outside of our current comfort zones occasionally.

Bless You… You Get It…

First ladies, you need to make one thing clear: YOU AREN’T OWED ANYTHING, INCLUDING HAPPINESS.

Thank You Jubi…

Let’s bulletpoint this…

– Men are trying to fit YOU into THEIR lives, it is not the other way around…

– If women spew out how I am not on her level, I agree, and go get a woman on MY LEVEL (on for the above LEVELED woman to complain later)

– Men are attracted to WOMEN, not WOMEN who are trying to be MEN… Men are not impressed by your success… Success attracts women… Looks, Relationship Swagger (Wifey Material) attract good marriage seeking men…

– Successful BW women wait to late to look for a mate… Most women in their 20s should be looking to get married… In your 30s, your beauty (social currency) starts to deteriorate

– Women like to complain about the lack of quality of men…
One… Alot of women making the complaint of are low quality human beings…
Two… The guys who are of quality are looking at themselves as a HOT COMMODITY… And take advantage of the situation… and delay commitment…

BW DO NOT RESPECT & SUPPORT BM… & if they do, it is THE WRONG BM… and then wonder why BM are chasing NON-African-American Women… Chances are, if a BM is achieving in his life… He is “on his own” (no good black woman by his side…) So when he reach success… when women finally come around, do you think he is going to respect you… You come off as a GOLDDIGGER now… Women give men no incentive to be good men… I am going in, I just find it AMAZING that so many BW, don’t get it… That hurts me alot…

This is my issue… tomorrow is my 23rd birthday, since about 2003 (8 years) I have been wanting to be in a monogamous relationship… But because I had issues & picked the wrong women to love… I have gotten my heart ROCKED… But even now… the women I want to build something with are chasing “inferior” men… They want to wait until I get my shit together, and then ask me to commit (GTFOOHWTBS)… These women I see in NYC that I want… don’t want to be in high quality relationships, just by seeing the kind of men they pick…

So at this point, I will just exercise my male privledge & play the field… Women could never say I put it effort because I have… I tried giving them what I “thought” they wanted… But now I realize that most BW are on BS… It is deeper than that…

I am glad you are able to see the error of your ways Jubi, you are that much close to getting a high quality LTR…

Enjoy

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Ever wanted to get into the mind of a young, single, professional Black woman? Well here's your chance. Travel with me on this journey called life as I try to find the elusive state of satisfaction...I promise, it'll be a fun time....
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