Searching For Satisfaction

8-12: What’s The Deal With….

Posted on: August 12, 2009


being committed and monogamous but not using titles?

I mean, what’s the point?

You are only dating that person. That person is only dating you. Yall talk everyday, see each other several times a week, have sleepovers. You hold hands and sneak kisses in public. Your friends have meet them, and you’ve met their friends. Even your Mom has heard about this person multiple times.

So why exactly is your reason for not throwing a title on it?

I didn’t even know folks did this until I talked to a friend of mine on FB. We were chatting & I asked him about his lovelife, where he gushed (yes men gush, its not just for chicks) about his SO. I referred to her as his gf & he was quick to correct me, and that left me scratching my head. For the record, we’re talking about a 30-year-old man here who got upset cause I called his SO his girlfriend. For realz?

His explanation was that when you get titles involved then folks expect certain behavior. Specifically he mentioned women expecting their boyfriends to be mind readers. I pondered that one for a minute. I’ve never expected a man to know what I was thinking or to anticipate my needs just because he was my boyfriend. I would hope that someone I spent a lot of time with would be observant enough to get an idea about the types of things I did and did not like, but to expect them to know what I wanted at all times? No way. That’s not fair at all.

In any event, I can’t relate to the “titles screw everything up so let’s just avoid them” thing. It just seems like a recipe for disaster. I can just see the convo now:

Her: I can’t believe you were out with that other chick!
Him: What don’t you
understand?
Her: We’re a couple, you cheated on me!
Him: We’ve just been humping hanging out dating. You not my girl
& I’m not your man.
Her: *face cracked* But we spend so much time
together! We aren’t dating other people! You told me you loved
me!
You told me you cared!
Him: *shrugs* I’ll holla at you later.

See where I’m going with this? Just seems like a bad idea all the way around. Me, I like clarity & clear boundaries. And equity & equality. We both decide what behavior is acceptable so there is no confusion later. For example, I’ve been dating the same guy for about 4 months. We haven’t had “the talk” yet, therefore, I wouldn’t be pissed if he was dating someone else. Should we have “the talk” and decide to become a monogamous couple, I wouldn’t expect him to anticipate my every need and desire, that would be just silly. What grown person does that? Last I checked, we are were grown and knew how to use our mouths (some better than others) so why are some folks expecting their SO’s to be mind readers?

Has anyone done the “we’re a couple in every way but we don’t do titles” thing? Can you explain the reasoning to me? How did it work out?

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5 Responses to "8-12: What’s The Deal With…."

Yeah, that’s kinda dumb. It’s the commitment becoming concrete, Guys worry about the next level alot. It’s no big deal, just have him put the shoe on the other foot. He would be like Eff You B! If she said the same thing after he scoped her with another Dude. Naw he needs to claim her and let her know that she’s exclusive if he or she is serious.

Monogamy without a title is dumb to me as well. I like to know where things are/where they are going and I have internal “steps”. When I feel like we’ve reached the appropriate step, a title is needed. it may seem silly to some, but it gives me peace of mind and I know where I stand. of course we would discuss expectations of having said title as well, so nobody gets it twisted….

I can totally dig that.

But a title doesn’t stop anyone from pursuing something else when someone interesting crosses their path. Hell, even marriage doesn’t stop some folks.

So is a title really a “lock” when all you gotta do is tell him or her that you don’t wanna kick it with them no more?

Don’t act so obtuse about how men operate.

Title = lock in, period.

Don’t listen to any other explanation.

If something else more interesting comes walking along, well… you know how that ends.

I completely co-sign Reecie’s post.

As for your 2nd question, I think its a mental thing for both men and women. Sometimes a woman feels like she can “exhale” cuz she feels that title makes things more concrete in the r/ship (she’s “locked” him in, so to speak), while that same title could get a man hot under the collar cuz he feels expectations are higher, or that he now has restrictions placed on him that weren’t there before (so his ass is locked in, too, lol)…

So it may not be a lock when you no longer want to be with that person, but it sometimes gives people a sense of security…and sometimes we need that

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